The Better Me

What makes me love about writing is cause i can releasing my poisons away. What poisons?
Kind of emotional things like love, hate, anger, sadness, madness, every fucked-up feelings.
And i want it to be a fun and have a positive impact for myself if i read my writings again.

Twitter. is one of my source to express my own thought and what i feel. so it's like a diary of my head and i really don't give a fuck for what people think about me then.
But lately, i admit.. yes i'm starting to lose myself.
i need to realize the fact that first, it's not a REAL DIARY it's a social mediaaaa,
and last, i feel like i'm a little bit being an 'attention whore'.......... like i'm tweeting for a reason? so it's for a certain people can read it? like why do i give valuable time to people who don't care if i live or die? (by the way yes that's The Smiths's song)

it all went wrong and i'm becoming a person who is not a real me. i know i have this crazy drama queen attitude but i used to play that role to reveal the truth and to express not for impression or something nyinyir or pathetic with alay's way. Things getting different, i'm out of control, my words is full of shits i can't handle my emotions i crave for someone's attention cause i know he's been watching me (or maybe not) and i'm trying hard to make my feelings and my position to be understood and i...... BEEEEEP, k enough. i deactivated my twitter account.

Today, i understand now silence is speaks louder than angry words. There's always a consequence in every actions. It's right that "How people treat you is their karma, how you react is yours."
Once again. Knock, knock, knock.... I hold my door opens for a same person that hurted me.
I know my consequence cause i knew him more than anybody else... but like again.. heart has no rule. Words mean nothing when the heart know what it wants.

You know what my problem is? I care. I really do. I love him and love is a fool.
For every flaws and consequences that i KNEW it will happens, i choose to take it.
So we're slowly moving forward with his pinky promises which i know it will usually to be (only) words. saya makan ulang satu-satu muntahan yang udah saya muntahin ke lantai. hm enak.

See? i fucking knew it already.

Seasons change. People don't. There will always be a reason from him to come and stay and... leave. One moment he comes and hold you tightly like you're everything he always wanted and one second then he leaves. Although it was hurtful (again) i think i get used of it. Sure, i get disappointed but this time not feel very surprised.

"I seen you at the worst but i choose to stay. I take it, it's ok, I love you. and i know you love me, that's why you always come back... and we're so happy together." and he was like "I was love you but things are different now. I choose my way to go. we're not same anymore. so i want you to also go. We will never be together, we have no future cause we're too fucked up."
"I'll wait. Till you ready. Let me love you. I'm with you, fight with you, i will never leave us. We can fight for us, it's not that complicated as long as we're together."
"No i give up. Please let me go. And please leave. That's the best way for us. I want you to be happy, i'm not a good person for you."

I begged him. That's my first time i begged to a man. But he kept pushed me away like that and right on a few days then he shows off a picture of a new, young and innocent looking girl :)

exactly what he said when he came back again. tasted like a true love. but nahhhh...

people say sometimes a relationship don't work out because of bad timing, but one thing that hurtful to realize is No, there's no such thing as bad timing. You either want it enough to make it work or you don't... it's all (BOTH) your choice. and it's true that no matter how good a woman you are you will never be 'enough' for a man who is not ready. Even i feel that you're the right person or (maybe) you also thought the same but well i think it's true for what you saying..... it is just what it is-we're just not meant to be.

dunia terus berputar, sekarang dibawah, nanti diatas.
tapi waktu. harga mati yang tak akan kembali. 

However, you bring out the best of me, and i thanked God so much about it.
and thanks to let me go and consist that you'll never come back (again) to waste my time. i mean wow first you respected me with honesty and you came back like a true love and now you leave me cause you appreciated me. looks like you're not really as selfish as i thought :) I don't know what's on your mind, but i believe everything that you did is to protect us not only yourself. correct me if i were wrong but don't get offended if it heard like a sarcasm cause well it is.

Ok. Now i'm being serious. I knew you more than enough so hopefully at the end you will found the one that can make you be a more and more better person. I wish when you think that you find the one she will stay forever with who you really are not only fell for the idea of you that you'd like to created.
I'm sorry for so many evil words that i threw at you that may make you feel kind of 'this bitch is crazy' then you're get angry too. i mean, i was just too emotional to accept the fact that i hate myself to cannot hate you and the fact that we need to end like this. from love us to hate us. life is ironic isn't it? Everything we've built, every years with tears and joy, the shits we've been through, our flaws, our family knew each other.. it's just felt so real but hell k yeah we're over.
You will never heard about me anymore and i hope you also won't ever try to reach me.
and oh by the way, your new girlfriend seems a nice person, i hope you can take care of her and i do really hope you both will always be happy together. amen.

thanks, i'm erasing you too.

i forgive me. i forgive you and i forget you. No more us.
So have a good time, stranger.

P.S : Dear readers, learn from my history. No matter how great and asshole you're both been together.... starting a relationship from cheating will never work out somehow.

a lonely soul.

I enjoy my self to go somewhere alone, sometimes meet a stranger, or hanging out with new people and my friends just for listening to their stories or sharing a comfortable silences. I'm not a talk-active person, but when i talk i can talk about everything till you ask me to stop.

One day, i went to the bar alone and met this guy.
And then when we're having a casual conversation, this guy asked me "why don't you hang-out with your friends?"
And i was like "i would when i'd like to."
And then he asked me "don't you feel lonely?"
i only stare his hangover face and look straight to his eyes for a seconds longer... then he drinks his another drink again, light on his cigarettes, pull his messy hairs up and down, then put his hand on his forehead, wink his eyes a moment and then staring back again at me and say "i'm so fucked-up."
and just like that....
he suddenly told me his whole world.


Loneliness is more like a loss of self, a lonely soul, never feel truly happy and satisfied with everyone or everything they've got cause the only problem is they don't really know what they really want and what they really need to do. They're doing a distraction underneath their own pain. They said they're having fun but actually that is not what they really feel. They're laughing but not actually really want to laugh. They afraid to be alone when actually they completely feel lonelyThey're broken but they bury it deep down cause they're too afraid to feel the pain. They cannot be fix because the only person who can help them is themselves, and as long as they cannot understand the concept of how to be selfish without making people feel selfless: everything that they do will only end-up make a new hole... to bury.

start from a simple thing to do,
ask yourself, "are you really happy?"
if you have your hesitation to answer that question so it probably means that you're not doing the right thing from the beginning.

and here's a fact. You can always looking up for things that make you feel free and happy but you'll keep always crave for more like more and more. Why? Why you can't feel satisfied? Cause the problem is you should create your own happiness instead to searching for it into a person or somethings.

Feel it. Every pain or every fucked up shits in your mind, feel it, do not run from it. all the people have their own pain, their own luggage, their own memories that destined them to be a person like they are right now.
I can talk about this because i had been there before. I once run away. I moved my ass to Bali to avoid my problem. i always went to party and get drunk. i even hooked up with my friend, i involved myself to drama and fell in love with a fuck-boy, and then what? at the end i only end up hurting myself. I jumped to a big new hole, a brand new trouble, a new wound.
So then for the new wound, i took my way to face the shit with no rebound.
Yes the struggle is real it takes like more than 4 weeks for me to break free. 1-2 weeks is the hardest moment.
But trust me, it's totally worth the pain. I know it might sound cliche, but seriously, just be brave to feel it, take the truth as the way it is. The wound is easier to get healed if you let the wound open right? 

You will never feel lonely if you knew how to be friends with yourself first. And then you can suddenly break free, you can have a real laugh with your friends and meet a new people with a real conversation. To figuring out what exactly you really want and what you really need to do is one of a big part of growing up and be completely happy.

This is for people who always looking for rebound that only end up with hurting themselves and people feelings. Be happy with yourself first, that's how you can start to see and find out what felt right for you to do.